Two posts ago I quoted a passage from Spiritual Theology by Simon Chan. I've been reading this book for about three years now and am almost halfway through. It's not that it's that long, not very good (it's actually quite excellent) or that I'm a slow reader. It's two things, really: On one hand, the portions I read are really profound and I keep putting the book down to process what was written. On the other hand, and maybe because it takes me a while to process what's been written, I don't pick the book up very often.
One of the things I have long struggled with is daily, habitual prayer. I put a salve on my conscious by maintaining that I "pray continuously," as Paul exhorts the Thessalonians to do in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, but I know the truth: I don't even do that very well. It struck me the other evening as I lay in bed that I hadn't prayed in days. Ok, I think I prayed with my family before each meal we had together...but that's about it. Frankly, I don't think that counts, despite my attempts to make those prayers more "real" by throwing in other things besides thanking God for the food on the table in front of me.
I think this struggle of mine has its roots in two things: First, I have always been a healthy procrastinator and maintaining any sort of disciplined activity or exercise has just never happened for me. Second, I grew up in the church and can't remember a day that I didn't know Jesus as Lord and Savior and have been (mostly) surrounded by the sacred and the spiritual my entire life - thusly, I have never felt the extreme need or pressure to spend time daily in prayer. If I'm honest, it's probably just the first one, but by including the other I can blame someone else and therefore claim victim status and not do anything about it. Let's stick with my delusion, ok?
Recently I have felt pangs of desire to engage with God more often and regularly (What, a 5 minute drive-by right before dinner every couple of months isn't good enough for Him? Yeesh! How picky and demanding!). It has seemed to me that these pangs have been my soul gasping somewhat for air, yearning to connect to its Life-Source. These pangs have, for the most part, only managed to add to my guilt regarding my highly inadequate prayer life. My response has been to pray that God would give me a greater desire (and a discipline outside myself) to connect with him. Something I read in Spiritual Theology this evening has changed my understanding of what's happening here:
You see, before I prayed it God was already answering my prayer. In fact, the desire to pray for the desire to pray was placed there by God. Before I turned to pursue God, He had already pursued and caught me. While I sit here thinking I have moved so far from God and wondering if I will ever be able to cross the distance back to Him, He has already come to me. Frankly (and I feel kind of stupid saying this...I mean, I have been to seminary, after all...), I'm finding that I'm quite astonished by this. He is still pursuing, chasing, courting, romancing, loving, reaching out to me - even now, after walking with Him for 17 years. I tell folks that don't know Him about His passionate pursuit of them, but I don't think I quite got the part that He continues the pursuit with just as much passion even after we respond and become His.It is always God who calls men to keep company with him, never the other way about. His call may indeed sometimes come to us in the form of a desire for prayer and contemplation; but we shall not have got very far before he makes it clear that the initiative is still and always in his hands. (Simon Tugwell, Prayer, quoted on pg 128-129)
Maybe I should have paid more attention during my Old Testament classes.
