As of yesterday at 3PM ET, everything in my life that is precious to me is now in someone else's hands (from my deep, emotional side: my wife and son; from my shallow, materialistic side: my cars and every single thing we own) with the exception of very little (from my deep, emotional side: my cat; from my shallow, materialistic side: my laptop, pocket pc and some clothes). I didn't realize how much I didn't like that idea until I watched the movers drive away. Saying goodbye to my wife and son this morning just hammered it home.
I think the incredible natural disasters of the past six months, combined with the war in Iraq and the like, has made it pretty clear that there is very little that anyone actually has any control over. I don't think that people actually desire to be in control, although we phrase it that way. What we want, really, is the illusion that we have some modicum of control over our lives. Cognitively, I know I have no control over my life. You go through four hurricanes in 6 weeks and try and tell me you have control over your life. However, my heart still wants to think that it has control over my life, no matter how small, no matter how much of a delusion that might be.
Perhaps that's why I haven't been sleeping so well lately. There is a dissonance between my head and my heart, and my heart doesn't like it. However hard it might try to cling to the illusion of control, right now it just isn't possible.
So, I find myself leaning on the Lord in a way that I haven't for a very long time.
I think my heart would find that comforting if it would stop being such a control-freak for a moment. But that would mean letting go of the illusion of control.
Ah, nothing like a nice catch-22 to give a fellow a headache.
1 comment:
Wait until Peter turns three then you will really see how much control you have. You and your family are constantly in our thoughts and prayers.
GJG
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