confrontation and conviction

I don't know if there is anything more difficult than going to a brother or sister in Christ and confronting them in their sin.  Well, anything more difficult than being on the receiving end of the confrontation, that is.  It is so hard to do something like that, and so hard to hear it.  

On the confronting side, what if you're wrong?  What if it's your own sinfulness causing you to misread or misunderstand someone else?  What if it's your petty differences that are the real issues, not issues of sin?  What if the other person won't listen?  What if they don't like me any more?  What might they say to others as a result?  And on, and on.

On the receiving side, what if they're right?  How dare someone else say these things to me?  Who are you to judge me, as if you knew what goes on in my head?  How could someone think these things about me?  What gives you the right to say this?  And on, and on.

Yet, we are called to both give and receive this sort of confrontation.  Take, for example these two words from Christ:

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that the brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to that person; then come and offer your gift.  - Matthew 5:23-24

If a brother or sister sins, go and point out the fault, just between the two of you alone. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they refuse to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.  - Matthew 18:15-17

The responsibility rests on both parties in an issue.  If someone has something against you, go and seek reconciliation.  If you have something against someone else, go and seek reconciliation.  Not a whole lot of wiggle room there, and there's certainly nothing in there about whether it will be hard or easy.  Jesus knows - it's going to be hard, therefore it doesn't need to be said.

But it's the hard things in life that are often the most worthy.  Especially when it comes to confronting sinful behavior in the body of Christ.  When you are sick or have a cut, you attend to it with medical care, knowing that if you don't it will only fester and get worse.  Eventually leading toward greater problems throughout your body.  So it is with our sinfulness.  If left unchecked or if not confronted in love by our brothers and sisters, it will fester, rot and spread throughout the body of Christ.

By being faithful in this hard thing, every party involved benefits.  The two immediate parties, the confrontor and the confrontee, are able to find or initiate a process of reconciliation.  Should sin actually be involved, conviction followed by repentance is given opportunity. And the community around the two parties, the body of Christ, is given opportunity to experience health and wholeness that otherwise wouldn't occur.

Two brothers met with me today, and it was a hard but worthy conversation.  Frankly, I am very convicted of some areas in my life in which I need to grow.  There is much on which to reflect, pray and examine.  But none of us would have this opportunity if there hadn't been the courage to confront to begin with.

Psalm 51
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.
Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

best

At church the other day, in the midst of a conversation, someone stated that our VBS is the "best." This wasn't just casually thrown out there, it was repeatedly said with increasing insistence - to the point of saying that no other church's VBS in the area even comes close. For this person, this was a big deal.

What struck me most about this is how different our values can be from one another.

I just don't have a frame of reference for this idea of being better than other churches. I'm not in this gig called ministry in order to make the church at which I work "better" than the others in the area, I don't even understand what that means.

Here's a dictionary definition:

best (n): that which is the most excellent, outstanding or desirable.

If the goal, the purpose, of the church, local and universal, is to 1) expand the Kingdom of God on earth and 2) be Christ's hands and feet in serving and loving a hurting world, what does "better" and "best" mean? In order to be best, that means someone has to be not best. If other churches are "not best" at expanding the Kingdom of God and being Christ's hands and feet, how does that help our goal, our purpose? What does any one church gain by being "best"? Particularly if "best" comes at the cost of negatively impacting another church's efforts in even the slightest way.

Don't get me wrong. One of my core values is doing everything with excellence. In all that I as a person and we as a church set out to do, I believe we should do it to the best of our ability and always be striving to improve and do better. I believe it is important to do the "best" we are able to do, but not in comparison to someone else. Rather, in comparison to ourselves. Being "best" in the sense of competing with other ministries and churches is just not something I can wrap my brain around.

I desire to see this church be the best it can be, to serve the Lord with faithfulness and integrity, to be effective and excellent in being the expression of the body of Christ that God is calling her to be. I also desire to see the other churches in the area do the exact same thing. No one church can effectively reach the vast array of personalities, interests and needs in any community. And there is certainly enough hurt and lost-ness for us all to partner together in reaching.

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2:15

provision

I've often thought that God has a funny sense of humor when it comes to provision.  To be honest, I don't actually find it all that funny.

While in seminary, my wife worked at a church while I was a student full-time.  Every once in a while, a gift of support would come our way.  Sometimes it would be a check, sometimes someone would pay our rent for a month or two.  Almost always it was anonymous.  But after the third gift, I began to notice a pattern.

Within a few days or a week of receiving the gift, something would happen.  Something like the hydraulic tensioner (it's the thing that uses hydraulics to keep tension on the timing belt on a car engine) breaking, thus causing the engine to, well, break.  In nearly every circumstance, the gift we received was within a few dollars of the something that then happened.

It got to the point that I would start wondering when the other shoe was going to fall every time someone would send us a support check.  I mean, as much as I appreciated the provision that God was providing, I was actually pretty happy with the engine I'd had in the car and would have preferred that it not break at all...

Well, that was several years ago (wow... 6, to be exact.  Time flies...).  But something happened this past week that reminded me of that incident.  We returned from two weeks of vacation to a very warm house - our air conditioning was not working.  I couldn't get it to start.  Since it was a Sunday, and the next day was Labor Day, I decided we'd sweat it out until Tuesday when I could make a service call and not pay emergency, holiday rates.

Turns out pretty much our entire air conditioning system is hosed.  Sweet.  And the estimate of the repair is, well, a lot of money.

Now, we never received our federal tax return, which was supposedly mailed in early June.  After signing off on the estimate for the A/C work, I filled out the form to request a new tax return check be issued.  I "happened" to look at the amount of the return.  

$30 more than the cost of the A/C repair.

Still not laughing.

juxtaposition

While I was in Mississippi, I spent an afternoon at Borders working on my sermon. One of my favorite hobbies is people watching, and sitting in the cafe in Borders provides a great opportunity to do that very thing. While I watched the traffic flow through the Starbucks ebb and flow, I was gradually struck by the juxtaposition of where I was sitting at that time, and the place I had been working just a few hours prior.

Here at Borders, people came and went, some were studying for exams, others having a casual conversation. Obviously many people were reading books and magazines, surfing the internet. Pretty much enjoying life and all it had to offer. In general I'd peg the economic class as upper-middle class and higher. For these people, life was back to normal (if it ever wasn't) and Katrina is probably a semi-distant memory.

And yet, just a few miles away, there were houses still covered in blue tarps. Homes still so damaged the family can not live in the house. Hundreds of people and families still living in FEMA trailers. Families doing their best to wait patiently while their house is rebuilt - by volunteers, over the course of months.

This stark contrast I am sure will gently diminish over time, as more people return back to their homes and their lives. Realizing this, though, I began to wonder about the last few. As time marches on and the sense of "need to help" that many have felt since Katrina hit begins to fade, will those who are waiting for help begin to feel forgotten? Once the media no longer talks about Katrina (frankly, I can't remember the last time I heard something about Katrina on the news), once the aid organizations move on to the latest tragedy, what will become of these people?

This is just one of the many thoughts that are settling in my mind as I process the past week. I'm not sure if there are any answers to this juxtaposition, and I don't think there is really any way we can avoid it or the way we will forget those who continue to struggle. But we can strive to do what we are able to, and if we remember them, to then do something to help. Organizations like Presbyterian Disaster Assistance are still eager for people to come down and help. And, believe it or not, living in a blue pod for a week really isn't all that bad.

Back From Mississippi

We're back from Mississippi after a week of doing hurricane recovery. If you'd like to read about our trip or see some pictures of our work, you can do so by clicking here. It was a great week and we did a lot of great work. Not sure how the sermon is going to turn out tomorrow, though.

There was another surprise for me in Mississippi I haven't blogged about: As mentioned in the comments on a previous post, a girl that grew up in the same church I did is working for the Presbytery down in Mississippi, and she showed up in camp this week. It was great to get in touch with her and hear what adventures she has lived since I left GPC. May God bless you, Erin, and the work you are going to do for Him and His Kingdom.

I forgot to mention...

...the other surprise: Here at the camp they have three big signposts with arrows pointing to the various churches that have been here to help. One of the churches with a signpost is the church I grew up in, Gaithersburg Presbyterian Church. Apparently, they've been down here a few times. so that's two "it's a small world" incidents within twenty four hours.

Unexpected Surprises

So I head into New Life Community Church for worship this morning, sit down, and then look up and see the pastor of the church sitting behind the pulpit. Turns out it's Scott Castleman, a friend of mine from seminary. What an unexpected surprise.

Scott has responded to the call of the Lord to ministry by serving as the pastor of both New Life and Handsboro Presbyterian Churches - churches about 15 minutes apart. These are two churches that walked very different paths yet are in the same place. New Life was founded in 1990, grew to 150 and is now at 7 members. Handsboro was founded in the late 1800s and is down to a similar number of members. Both churches were preparing to close their doors just prior to Katrina hitting. PDA's motto is, "Out of chaos, hope." Clearly here in Mississippi, we are seeing God bring new life out of mind-boggling tragedy.

Please keep Scott, his family and his ministry in your prayers as he seeks to be God's hands in bringing new life to these churches and this area.

In Mississippi For A Week

For the next week I'll be in Orange Grove, MS with the College & Career group from Southminster. We are partnering with Presbyterian Disaster Assistance to continue to provide recovery support from Hurricanes Katrina and Rita a few years ago. While I may post some more personal reflections and anecdotes on here, we are posting daily updates on the church website, which you can find by clicking the title of this blog or here.

I raced the sun, and we tied ...and I hurt...

I raced the sun today, and we tied. Well, that's how I like to think about it anyway. I decided to go for a ride at about 7:45. Sunset was at 8:13. This ride takes me 47 minutes (11 miles) when I'm with Peter (in a trailer). My goal: finish the ride before dark. I made it...but it was close. Streetlights were on and cars were using headlights. Definitely late dusk. It was 8:30.

And for the first time on a bike ride in a very long time, I hurt. The transverse abdominis muscles got very sore over the last mile, and my quads were getting punchy. It was a good ride, although I probably pushed too hard throughout (a problem I seem to have...but that's another post). I increased my average speed by 2 mph compared to doing the ride with Peter (14.8 mph up to 16.8 mph) and I shaved 3 1/2 minutes off the time. I think if I had paced myself better, I could have broken 17 mph.

I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging or that I think I'm all that. I know I'm not. Perhaps I can express a bit more confidence once I can hammer the entire hill in Clydesdale Park in a big gear...even without Peter I still ended up in my granny gear (smallest chainring, biggest cog) - although not until after the halfway point.

The best part of the ride? The bike. There's a pic of it from a couple of years ago. It's a 1989 Bridgestone MB-2, one of the finest mountain bikes ever built. It's 26-ish pounds of chromoly niceness. It may be old school (may be? dude, it is so old school), but it is an incredible billy goat. Since the last 114 miles have been done pulling a 25 lb trail and a 28 lb 3-year old, I'd gotten used to a bike that pushed in turns, accelerated slowly and lagged on hills.

But that isn't the real nature of this bike. This bike is nimble, agile, incredibly fast and an absolute joy and delight to ride. A few years ago, I was offered more than the original retail price of the bike for the frame alone. I turned the offer down. I'll ride this bike until the frame rots away. I don't really think the frame is going to rot away...

I've never really expounded on my love of cycling...but I think this gives a bit of a hint.

Building Britney Spears...

Ever wonder how Britney Spears achieved such fame and success? Why did she make the choices she did and so on and so forth?

Walt Mueller posted a brilliant and insightful article on this issue on his blog (dated 12/15/05, and can be found at http://www.cpyu.org/page.aspx?id=76960). Here is that post:

Let’s do it again!

Here’s something very interesting. . . . . and it has to do with how pop stars are made. Yes, that’s right, made. When I was at the Kid Power marketing conference last May I sat in on a seminar by a gal from Jive Records. She wasn’t just any gal. She was the gal who claimed responsibility for creating and masterminding the Britney Spears phenomenon (are you sure you want to admit that?!?!?). Her seminar was titled, “Grabbing Kids Attention in a Competitive Marketplace: Creating the Next Pop Icon.”

Today I went back to find the notes I scribbled furiously during that seminar – I’ll tell you why in a minute. My notes reminded me that she showed us a DVD of an artist they’ve signed to the label who they were marketing to kids. Remember, the conference was about marketing to kids ages 2-12. I made some notes about how the video clip was very sexual and that it objectified women. She then showed a clip of Britney Spears that chronicled her evolution as a pop star. My notes read, “scary and sexual.” She then went on to tell us what the record company did when they met Britney at age 16 back in 1998.

First, they put her out in the public eye as an all-American girl. She was featured in ads for Claire’s Accessories in the Just Nikki Magalog for girls. Included was an offer to kids. Kids who responded got some free Britney Spears music. They also sent out Spears samplers with Scholastic Book Club orders. You know that group. They sell books to elementary school kids. Other strategies included giving out a CD sampler at Sunglass Hut, enclosing a free CD inside Seventeen magazine, placing Spears in a Hilfiger ad campaign just after her first album was released, and the placement of a flyer in the back pocket of new pairs of MUDD jeans. Brilliant, huh? It’s all about saturation, or, as the gal from Jive said, working to “cut through the clutter to grab kids’ attention.” Well, it worked. As of May of this year, Spears had sold 60 million records over the course of her career.

In hindsight, what did the folks at Jive records learn about creating a pop star? Here’s what the gal at the conference said: First, you’ve got to have an artist who’s willing to take risks and be unpredictable by pushing the envelope. Thanks for that bit of advice. Now the rest of us can accurately predict that emerging pop stars will be unpredictable, or in other words, always pushing the envelope with new surprises coming around each corner. Second, your artist has to understand his/her audience. Sounds like prerequisite for effective cross-cultural missionary work to me. And third, you have to maintain “edge.” Since kids are naturally in the process of breaking ties from mom and dad, they want their own music and their own stars. How did that work with Britney. We were told that she was initially a darling of mothers of young girls. But as those young girls grew up, they didn’t want to be listening to music that soothed mom’s ears and worries. So, Britney started the process of going over the edge, over and over again. In the words of our friend from Jive, Britney’s success – and the long-term success of any pop star – is that – and I quote – “she’s constantly pissed parents off.”

So now you know Jive Record company’s little secret. So why did I go back to dig around and find my notes from that seminar? Because there was an article in yesterday’s USA Today about an emerging new 16-year-old pop icon by the name of Chris Brown. Somehow that name sounded familiar. My notes told me why. After telling us about Spears, our seminar presenter asked the question, “Who’s the next pop icon on the horizon?” Then she told us. A young man by the name of Chris Brown. She then went on to lay out Jive Records’ plan to unleash young Mr. Brown. It includes turning him into the next Usher.

Why am I telling you all this? Because now you know how the plan works from the inside out. Keep an eye on Jive Records as they do it all over again. Invite your kids to watch along with you.

It feels good to be manipulated, doesn't it? So what is popular isn't really popular because people like it...but because marketing gurus flood us with their 'stuff' so much that we think it's popular.

Fascinating.

*reposted from my myspace blog, original dated January 9, 2006.

High School Sports - For Competition or Fun?

Many of those who study adolescent development and culture are becoming concerned about the state of childrens and youth sports. There are parents and coaches who seem to want to make up for their own (lack of?) glory days and overemphasize the competitive nature of sports. This isn't the case across the board, but there are plenty of examples available. Take as a case in point competitive t-ball. How on earth can you have competitive t-ball?? Apparently, there are enough examples that leagues have to designate themselves "non-competitive."

Today, I went to a high school cross-country ski meet. It was great to see a lot of students from the ministry that attend a variety of schools in one place, continuing friendships in the midst of competition (btw, way to go Becca, Becca, Wesley, Ben, Summer, Jackie, Hannah, JC and Sarah!). One student, who is very competitive, performed very well in spite of a waxing problem that kept her from kicking well - this problem was her primary focus, as she knew she could have done better. In general, one expects students to want to do well and to be upset when they don't do as well as they know they can.

But there are those (including this pastor) that fear that the fun of sports is being lost in the midst of the competition. I don't think this is the case for any of the students metioned above, but I know it isn't the case for one in particular. And it was such a surprise it really caught me off guard.

The race today was a 5k. It took most students about 15-20 minutes to complete. But one student and her friend took over 30 minutes to complete the race. Why? Because they were just out there to have fun. The smiles on their faces as they came around the last turn and raced each other to the finish line (the only racing either probably did the entire time) were priceless. That is why we have youth sports. That is why we want them involved in these things.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think competition is wrong. I just don't think that competition should replace the innocent fun of the whole thing.

*repost from my myspace blog, dated January 14, 2006

The Best Schools in the Country

One of the interesting aspects of living in St. Louis is the incredible passion the different areas have for their particular high school. Frankly, it really caught me off guard. Each school and its surrounding area are highly convinced that theirs is the best school - not just in the area, but in the entire country. Not a big deal to me really, I find it all highly amusing.

Especially given the report that just came out from Newsweek.

Not a single school from Missouri made the top 100. That rules out the schools in south St. Louis County...which is in Missouri. The highest ranked school in the area is #139, and the local high school, Lindbergh, is #759.

However, my alma mater is #25. In fact, 5 of the schools from that school system (Montgomery County, MD) are in the top 100. Richard Montgomery happens to be the highest ranked school. I'd like to take credit for that accomplishment personally.

On the bright side, my wife's alma mater is #573. I still win.

An Update - No Longer in Alaska

For a wide variety of reasons, it has been nearly a year since I last posted. The most significant reason was that I have moved from Alaska to St. Louis, Missouri. A change of call, a new church, back in the lower 48. It's been an interesting year of transition and change, and bits of pieces of that process will come out over time.

Additionally, we had an addition to our family last November - a daughter. She is a joy and a delight, and to watch her and her brother interact and begin to build a relationship is amazing.

So, my family and I now find ourselves in the Midwest. A part of the country we never thought we would end up. It is different from Alaska, Virginia or Florida...and yet also similar.

The church context we find ourselves in is a church that has a 50-year history. Over 65% of the congregation is over the age of 65, and the church has recognized that it needs to begin reaching out to the coming generations in order to continue to exist. It's a pretty neat opportunity, and a challenging one. Much of what is to come will chronicle this ministry.

Officially Sick of Winter

This morning:

Today is brought to you by...

...the letters S, N, O & W. The letters S, N, O, & W thought they had been able to go on vacation after a long season of being the letters of the day. However, they were sorely mistaken. 2" of the fluffy white stuff fell last night.

The irony of the situation (and also probably the reason why it snowed)? I had the studded winter tires taken off the Outback yesterday.

I noticed in the national weather forecast that they were calling for near 90-degree temperatures in Florida today. Given the choice, I think I'd rather be here.

On An Irrelevant Note...

I had to shovel our driveway yesterday. It's April, and I'm still having to shovel snow off our driveway.

It's not that I'm tired of snow - I'm not sure that I could ever be tired of snow - it's that, eventually, that snow is going to have to melt. And I really don't like breakup. It's slushy, slippery, messy, and very yucky. If we're going to have to go through it (and, duh, we do), I'd prefer it just happen - and happen fast.

There's still 6" of snow that needs to melt. I'm thinking we'll have green grass sometime in mid-May. If we're lucky.

Sometimes a few words can change everything...

Isn't it interesting how a few words can result in an incredible "ah-ha!" moment? I just had one of those, as a result of these words:

Why blame the dark for being dark?
It's far more helpful to ask why the light isn't as bright as it should be.
- Rob Bell

These words can be found on the last page, oddly enough in the 'Last Word' feature, of the March-April 2006 issue of Relevant Magazine. Maybe they hit me so hard because I so often find myself pointing my finger in irritation or upset at the darkness of the world and brokenness of the people around me. Where is the grace that was shown me, that should be flowing through me to others? Where is the desire on my part to see others lifted up and glorified? Don't get me wrong - I'm more than willing to work for others to be lifted up and glorified, as long as I get some of the credit.

The reality is that the light in my life does not shine as brightly as it ought. So, perhaps instead of pointing my finger at the darkness, I should be pointing it at myself, asking, "Where is the light?"

Man, I Love This Place!

Man, I love this place!

The weather forecast today (I'd link to it, but when you check it, it'll be for a different day, so no links for you) was clear, sunny, and 32 degrees below freezing...also known as 0 degrees farenheit. They pretty much nailed the temperature...but the rest of it?
As I look out my window right now, it's overcast and snowing. Just a light snow, but snow nonetheless. I don't know what it is, but something about it snowing just makes me happy. I love snow.

Man, I love this place!

Of Volcanos and Snowfall

It's been one year now. Well, ok, a year and a week since I first moved to Alaska. Karey and Peter, interestingly enough, are in South Carolina right now - the same place they were a year ago. They come back on Monday, assuming a particular volcano doesn't cause problems for their flight. They celebrate their one year anniversary at the end of the month.

So that particular volcano is known as Augustine and sits in the mouth of the Cook Inlet, just a few hundred miles from Anchorage. It's been making noise and steaming for a while, but it decided to make its presence known this past week. It has started spewing ash in a series of small eruptions - five of which were yesterday. In a precautionary measure, Alaska Airlines cancelled 28 flights yesterday. I haven't heard of other airlines cancelling their flights. While I'm thrilled at the idea of a major eruption from a volcano near where I live, I really miss my family.

Of course, when I say that I'm thrilled about the idea of the volcano erupting, I'd prefer all of the nasty consequences not come to Anchorage. I'm referring to volcanic ash, which I understand is just a major pain. Apparently anything that needs air to do its thing (lungs, car engines, jet engines, heating systems) gets absolutely destroyed by volcanic ash. Not a nice thing.

Regarding the snowfall, there just hasn't been a whole lot of it. I mean, this is Alaska, right? I don't think it's snowed since Christmas. I keep waiting for that next major snowfall so we can get out and enjoy what Alaska has to offer in the wintertime. Well, what it has to offer outside of flat out cold temperatures.

Initiating Prayer

Two posts ago I quoted a passage from Spiritual Theology by Simon Chan. I've been reading this book for about three years now and am almost halfway through. It's not that it's that long, not very good (it's actually quite excellent) or that I'm a slow reader. It's two things, really: On one hand, the portions I read are really profound and I keep putting the book down to process what was written. On the other hand, and maybe because it takes me a while to process what's been written, I don't pick the book up very often.

One of the things I have long struggled with is daily, habitual prayer. I put a salve on my conscious by maintaining that I "pray continuously," as Paul exhorts the Thessalonians to do in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, but I know the truth: I don't even do that very well. It struck me the other evening as I lay in bed that I hadn't prayed in days. Ok, I think I prayed with my family before each meal we had together...but that's about it. Frankly, I don't think that counts, despite my attempts to make those prayers more "real" by throwing in other things besides thanking God for the food on the table in front of me.

I think this struggle of mine has its roots in two things: First, I have always been a healthy procrastinator and maintaining any sort of disciplined activity or exercise has just never happened for me. Second, I grew up in the church and can't remember a day that I didn't know Jesus as Lord and Savior and have been (mostly) surrounded by the sacred and the spiritual my entire life - thusly, I have never felt the extreme need or pressure to spend time daily in prayer. If I'm honest, it's probably just the first one, but by including the other I can blame someone else and therefore claim victim status and not do anything about it. Let's stick with my delusion, ok?

Recently I have felt pangs of desire to engage with God more often and regularly (What, a 5 minute drive-by right before dinner every couple of months isn't good enough for Him? Yeesh! How picky and demanding!). It has seemed to me that these pangs have been my soul gasping somewhat for air, yearning to connect to its Life-Source. These pangs have, for the most part, only managed to add to my guilt regarding my highly inadequate prayer life. My response has been to pray that God would give me a greater desire (and a discipline outside myself) to connect with him. Something I read in Spiritual Theology this evening has changed my understanding of what's happening here:

It is always God who calls men to keep company with him, never the other way about. His call may indeed sometimes come to us in the form of a desire for prayer and contemplation; but we shall not have got very far before he makes it clear that the initiative is still and always in his hands. (Simon Tugwell, Prayer, quoted on pg 128-129)

You see, before I prayed it God was already answering my prayer. In fact, the desire to pray for the desire to pray was placed there by God. Before I turned to pursue God, He had already pursued and caught me. While I sit here thinking I have moved so far from God and wondering if I will ever be able to cross the distance back to Him, He has already come to me. Frankly (and I feel kind of stupid saying this...I mean, I have been to seminary, after all...), I'm finding that I'm quite astonished by this. He is still pursuing, chasing, courting, romancing, loving, reaching out to me - even now, after walking with Him for 17 years. I tell folks that don't know Him about His passionate pursuit of them, but I don't think I quite got the part that He continues the pursuit with just as much passion even after we respond and become His.

Maybe I should have paid more attention during my Old Testament classes.